Perhaps you’ve recently suffered a miscarriage. Many people wrongly assume that if a woman miscarries early, the experience isn’t so devastating. But the truth is that a miscarriage can be emotionally painful at any time. It doesn’t matter how far along you were in your pregnancy. Having your hopes and expectations for the future dashed can be hard to come to terms with.
Worst of all, you might be plagued by thoughts of “if only.” You may think back on every minor decision you made and wonder if you should have done something differently to prevent this from happening. What can you do to let go of these worries and forego the idea that what happened was your fault? Here are a few tips to help you release these “if only” thoughts and move forward in a healthy way.
1. Allow Yourself to Grieve the Loss
First, it’s crucial to give yourself time and space to grieve. If you try to suppress these feelings or brush them under the rug, you’ll end up dealing with these complex emotions at some point in the future. Instead, take time to simply allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.
You do not need to try to put a smile on your face right away, or act happy to please others. Instead, find a friend who you can open up to, write in a journal to let all of your feelings out, or consider talking to a therapist so that you do not have to hold back anything that’s on your mind. Be honest about what you feel. This might even mean sharing your “if only” thoughts if you feel comfortable doing so. They will be able to reassure you that you were not at fault for what happened.
2. Spend Time Offline
Researching miscarriages and potential causes online can exacerbate these “if only” thoughts. You might find yourself spending long hours looking up what might have caused you to miscarry and coming across websites promoting information that is not necessarily grounded in evidence.
It’s easy to fall into rabbit holes online that promise answers about what happened, or use scare tactics to keep you feeling anxious. But if you have any specific medical questions about your miscarriage or your reproductive health, it’s important to ask your doctor directly rather than going online to find answers. Furthermore, keep in mind that the vast majority of the time, there is no clear reason for a miscarriage. This happens to countless healthy women every day. Any resource that promises you a specific answer could easily be wrong.
3. Choose Fulfilling Activities and Hobbies
Eventually, after you’ve allowed yourself the chance to grieve, try to focus your energy on things that make you feel happy and fulfilled. Which hobbies have you pushed to the back burner during your grieving period? What have you given up over the past few weeks or months that you miss?
This is a time to prioritize self-care and think about what brings you joy. You may want to spend more time with your closet friends and relatives, take a vacation so that you can simply relax, engage in a creative hobby that you’ve always loved, get lost in one of your favorite novels or re-watch your most loved movies, or return to a sport that you haven’t practiced in a while. Indulge in whatever makes you feel your best, and let yourself sink into joy again.
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Are you struggling to cope with “if only” thoughts after an early miscarriage? Talking to a therapist can help you heal. Reach out to us today to discuss your options for scheduling for a women’s counseling session.