Perhaps you dealt with abandonment in familial relationships throughout your life. You may not have had a healthy, close relationship with one or both of your parents. This experience set up your expectations early on, and since childhood, you’ve struggled to form close bonds with others.
On the other hand, you might have first encountered this problem in the context of an early romantic relationship. Maybe you went through a divorce, caught your partner cheating, or dealt with the aftermath of a broken engagement. Now, you’re wondering how you could ever get comfortable with the idea of trusting someone in that capacity again.
No matter how your first experience with abandonment occurred, it can negatively affect your outlook on romantic relationships for years to come. Here’s how fears of abandonment can have an impact on couples.
Pushing People Away
When you realize someone is romantically interested in you, your first reaction isn’t necessarily to pursue them. Instead, you worry that if things went any further, you would only be abandoned again. To protect your heart, you attempt to push them away instead.
You might really enjoy spending time with them, yet you try to avoid them anyway, simply because of your fears about what might happen next. Should you get into a committed relationship with them, you still may find yourself pushing them away, which leaves your partner confused and frustrated.
Intense Anxiety Around Distance
Maybe you do have a partner, and rather than pushing them away, you try to cling to them as hard as you can. You have a desperate fear that they might leave you. To cope with this, you try to keep them as close as possible. You want to do everything together, and if they’re hanging out with friends, you start to worry.
If they have to travel somewhere without you, you might end up tossing and turning at night, wondering if they’re with someone else. Your partner may not understand how deep your fears run, and even when they try to calm you down, their reassurance doesn’t mean much.
Questioning Affection
Your partner may be very affectionate, yet you don’t trust their words or their actions. When they’re affectionate towards you, it instantly causes you to wonder if they’re just trying to cover for some kind of problem going on behind the scenes. You doubt that they really love you.
Even if your partner has given you no real reason to question their commitment to you, it’s hard to believe that anyone truly cares about you after the abandonment that you experienced. You can’t “relax” in the relationship, because you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Staying Guarded Within Relationships
Maybe you don’t try to actively push your partner away, or question their loyalty and affection. But you refuse to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You may hide your fears from your partner, as well as your hopes for the future and painful experiences that shaped who you are.
This is because you worry that they’ll use your vulnerability against you. Therefore, you’re careful not to show them the “real” you.
Avoiding Relationships Altogether
Finally, a fear of abandonment might lead to you avoiding relationships altogether. You might be considering breaking things off with a partner who has treated you well simply so they don’t have the chance to hurt you first. This can be confusing and heartbreaking for your partner and yourself.
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Is your fear of abandonment making it hard to maintain healthy relationships? A therapist can help shift your perspective. Reach out to us to go over your options for scheduling your first session for couples therapy.