Before becoming a parent, you might have thought of yourself as a “people pleaser.” Even when you were uncomfortable with a particular situation, or you felt like one of your personal boundaries had been crossed, you simply kept quiet in hopes of keeping the peace. You were afraid of upsetting anyone. Usually, you would rather deal with your frustration quietly rather than speak up and risk disappointing someone else.
But now, you’re a parent. You can see how your people-pleasing habits are making it hard to discipline your children, uphold rules and boundaries within your household, and take care of your own needs. It can be hard to break out of these patterns. Here’s how to step out of the people-please role after becoming a parent.
Define Your Values as a Parent
Think about which values you want to pass on to your children. Reflect on the lessons you hope to teach them that they can carry into adulthood. Consider how giving in to their whims or trying to avoid disappointing them could actually interfere with teaching these values.
For example, if you want your child to understand the importance of patience and delayed gratification, giving them what they want right away could prevent them from learning these values. Being a people-pleaser means that your actions can contradict your core values as a parent.
Sit with the Discomfort
When you tell your children “No,” disagree with your teenager, or remind your kids of a particular rule, some discomfort will follow. They might bicker with you, cry, or even throw a tantrum, depending on their age.
Trying to soothe them might be your first instinct — but your children need to learn how to sit with discomfort, and so do you. After all, it certainly won’t be the last time that your child hears “No” throughout their life!
Identify Teaching Opportunities
The moment when your child has to deal with disappointment, exercise restraint, or demonstrate patience are teaching opportunities. When you try to eliminate moments like these for the sake of your child’s comfort and your own, they miss the chance to learn crucial life lessons.
In the short term, people-pleasing might feel like the right choice. But in the long run, it could hold your children back.
Be Consistent
Once you decide on a new rule or boundary, don’t give in to the temptation to roll it back. You might confidently enforce a rule once or twice, and then begin feeling guilty about doing so. Old habits die hard! But with time and practice, these feelings of guilt will gradually subside, and you’ll gain confidence in upholding these rules.
If you’re inconsistent when it comes to household rules, your children will look for opportunities to break them. Sticking with a rule demonstrates that you’re serious about it.
Consider Therapy
If you’ve always viewed yourself as a people pleaser, and you’re finding it hard to get rid of these habits, you don’t have to navigate this journey entirely alone. You might benefit from working with a therapist. By talking to a therapist, you can learn about setting boundaries, which rules are worth enforcing, and why people-pleasing can be detrimental to your children in the long run.
Your therapist can also help you interrogate the feelings of discomfort that come up when you worry that you’ve disappointed or upset someone. You’ll have a judgment-free space to talk about parenting and ask all of your complicated questions.
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Are you a parent struggling with people-pleasing tendencies? Working with a therapist can help. Reach out to us to discuss your options for scheduling your first session for parent therapy or anxiety therapy.