Maybe you’ve only ever been in monogamous relationships. Recently, you’ve met someone who you could see a future with. Yet they surprised you by telling you that they’re polyamorous. You’ve never been in this situation before, and while you truly love your partner, you know that you prefer monogamy. Now, you’re trying to figure out if there’s any way that you can find a middle ground in your relationship that satisfies you both, or if the two of you can’t share a life together.
When one partner is polyamorous, yet the other wants to be monogamous, it can be tricky to figure out what’s right for your relationship. But you do not have to immediately go your separate ways. Instead, here are a few suggestions that might help you chart a path forward for your relationship.
Speak from the Heart
First, it’s important for both you and your partner to share what you honestly want out of a relationship. Do not try to “change yourself” for your partner or misrepresent your preferences out of a desire to keep them. Speak from the heart, and tell your partner how you really feel, even if it feels a little awkward at times.
In order to move forward, your partner must be willing to do the same for you.
Listen to Your Partner Without Judgment
Your partner should also have the opportunity to share their feelings. As you listen to them, be careful not to criticize them for what they share. If you’re confused by anything they say, it’s okay to ask questions and clarify.
Even if it’s hard to take in feelings that your partner has about polyamory that you do not share, do not judge them or say anything derogatory. This could end the conversation prematurely and make it hard to figure out the issue. Your partner should pay you the same respect when you discuss your own feelings.
Get Curious
This is an opportunity to learn more about your partner, and identify where your values might line up, despite your apparent differences. Ask your partner questions about why they felt happier in polyamorous relationships, and what discouraged them from seeking monogamous relationships. Allow your partner to ask you similar questions, and dig deep into why you gravitate towards monogamy. Getting curious about your partner’s desires and your own opens up chances to connect.
Establish Your Boundaries
You’ve talked to your partner in-depth about what you both really want out of relationships, and why. Now, you can determine whether or not you can find a mutual agreement on what your own relationship would look like, and if you can truly be happy together while respecting each other’s unique needs.
Can both of you find an approach to your relationship that truly honors your needs, without forcing one another into an arrangement you would be uncomfortable with? Be truthful about any strict boundaries you would need, and do not fudge the truth just to appease your partner.
Do Not Attempt to Force a Relationship
You and your partner might be able to find an arrangement that works for you both. It can take a little time to figure out, but even if you came into the relationship with differing views on polyamory and monogamy.
Yet if you can’t figure out an approach that will make you both happy, it’s okay to separate respectfully. This does not mean that you’ve failed. It means you have another chance to find love.
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Are you and your partner struggling to navigate conversations around polyamory and monogamy? A therapist can guide you. Reach out to us to learn more about our couples counseling services.