Many women struggle to speak up when they feel angry.
Some may worry that they will offend the people in their lives if they voice their discomfort. Others were taught that anger is unfeminine. And still others have had their genuine problems dismissed so many times that they have given up on allowing themselves to express anger.
But trying to swallow your own anger can backfire. In the long run, hiding your frustrations and biting your tongue whenever you want to voice an objection can have serious consequences.
Let’s explore in more depth why so many women have trouble expressing their anger, and why learning to express anger in a healthy way is so crucial.
Why Expressing Anger Is Hard for Many Women
Negative Reactions
Many women worry that the people in their lives will be put off by their anger. Even when they have been mistreated, they may be nervous about speaking up and expressing their emotions.
If you are like a lot of women, you may feel like you are responsible for managing the emotions of others. Thus, you might fear that being honest about your anger will provoke a negative reaction from your husband, children, relatives, or others in your social circle. And so, you stay quiet to keep the peace.
Fear of Stereotypes
Sadly, women who do express their anger are vilified in many ways. They may be thought of as “aggressive,” while a man doing the same thing would be thought of as “assertive” or “powerful.”
Unfortunately, people may apply many unkind words if you express your anger as a woman. They might even write you off as “unstable” or “hysterical.” And, of course, no one wants to be stereotyped like this. To avoid this characterization, you may end up holding back your anger.
Invalidated Struggles
When women openly expressed their anger, they may have to listen to someone invalidate everything they said. Perhaps this has happened to you—other people told you that you were overreacting. Maybe they said that you needed to get over it. Or they may have tried to tell you that whatever happened was your fault, even when you knew that you had been treated poorly.
Lamentably, these dismissals of women’s anger are all too common. And it's understandable why this kind of response discourages women from speaking up.
Why Learning to Express Anger in a Healthy Way Is Important
Consequences of Repression
With all of this in mind, it’s important to understand why repressing anger can be so damaging for women. It can be especially difficult for a woman to honestly voice her anger, but finding a healthy way to do so is essential for your mental health and overall well-being.
For instance, imagine that your partner or a close friend has done something that upset you. You hesitate to speak up, fearing that doing so will jeopardize your relationship. Instead, you try to bury the negative feelings and forget about the incident. But months later it's still gnawing on you. Eventually, your anger boils over, and you lash out.
The lesson to learn? When we repress anger, a problem that could have been solved with a short conversation can spiral into a major argument later on.
Bottled-Up Anger Can Manifest Physically
Repressed anger can also manifest in ways that are harmful to your physical health. You might struggle to fall asleep at night, tossing and turning as you reflect on everything that’s bothering you. Maybe you turn to drinking when you feel your anger simmering under the surface. Or you may deal with headaches or other physical pain as the stress of hiding your true feelings eats away at you.
Basically, repressed anger can make you physically ill. Finding a suitable outlet for your anger, especially when you’re a woman, is an often-overlooked component of living a healthier and happier life.
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Do you ever feel that you’re unable to express your anger because you’ve internalized certain expectations for women? Speaking with a therapist who specializes in counseling for women can help. Please feel free to reach out to us to learn more about therapy for women.