Maybe you have a tendency to be highly critical of yourself. Perhaps you have even noticed that this tendency is affecting your approach to dating or your current romantic relationship.
You might talk yourself out of going on dates because you don’t believe the other person will be interested. When you get home from spending time with someone you like, you might focus on all the “flaws” you think they must see in you. Sometimes, you even turn people down who are interested in you.
If you are in a committed relationship, you might blame yourself fully for every problem the two of you face. You may have stayed in previous unhealthy relationships for a long time because you believed that you did not deserve better.
Let’s explore why a lack of self-compassion and personal grace can make it hard to form truly healthy romantic relationships.
Giving Yourself Grace
When you struggle with self-compassion, it is hard to forgive yourself for minor mishaps. You may view your small mistakes as evidence that you are uniquely bad. Therefore, you cannot cut yourself any slack.
Doing so means allowing yourself to “get away with” something. You might apologize to your partner for things you did not really do wrong. You may turn down second dates out of the fear that your date simply pities you, since you must be “too flawed” to love.
Mindful Attentiveness to Problems
With ample self-compassion, you can admit to yourself and your partner when you were wrong. But you can also apologize with sincerity and forgive yourself for your mistakes.
This makes it easier to discuss problems honestly, and say that you’re sorry when it’s warranted. You won’t simply let things slide because you don’t believe you’re worthy of kindness.
Knowing When to Walk Away
Self-compassion helps you see how you deserve to be treated. When you are gentle and compassionate with yourself, you understand that others should treat you in the same way. But when you are harsh on yourself, it’s hard to determine whether it’s worth working on a relationship, or whether you should simply walk away because you’re being mistreated.
Furthermore, with self-compassion, you won’t spend time after a break up telling yourself that you will never connect with someone romantically again. Instead, you will remind yourself that you are still worthy of care and love, both from yourself and others.
Self-Compassion Strengthens Compassion for Others
The principles of self-compassion don’t just help you treat yourself with kindness, or think of yourself the same way you might think of a good friend. Self-compassion also fuels your compassion for other people.
When you’re too critical of yourself, you’ll almost inevitably end up holding other people to unrealistic standards, too, including your partner. But when you put self-compassion into practice, you might find that you’re far more patient with your partner, and that it’s easier to put fair, realistic boundaries into place that don’t set your relationship up for failure.
Understanding Forgiveness
Finally, self-compassion deepens your understanding of forgiveness. It’s easier to accept a true apology from your partner when you practice compassion in all areas of your life, including towards yourself.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean saying that everything that happened was actually fine, or pretending that it didn’t happen. It means knowing when someone made an honest mistake. This is because you can recognize the same qualities in yourself and still believe yourself to be more than your mistakes.
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Are you struggling to cultivate self-compassion? A therapist can help guide you on this journey. Reach out to us to review your options for booking a session for women’s therapy.