Maybe you find yourself agreeing to things you don’t believe in for the sake of making other people happy. Perhaps your schedule is always packed with obligations that you didn’t want, simply because you’re afraid of saying “no” and letting anyone else down. Even if you know that you’re not doing anything hurtful, you’re afraid to voice your opinions, ask for help, make suggestions, or turn down anyone’s requests.
Being a people-pleaser can be exhausting. You wish you had the confidence to advocate for yourself. But you fear being disliked or punished. You may have grown up in a home where your needs were never considered. Now, you don’t know how to speak up for yourself. These tips can help you stop engaging in people-pleasing behaviors.
Tune Into Your Own Feelings
First, you’ll need to identify when you’re neglecting your own needs. Tune into your thoughts and the physical sensations you experience when you agree to something that you don’t actually want to do. These sensations clue you into moments when you would benefit from sharing your own opinion or backing away from the situation. When you experience these sensations, your body and mind are alerting you that your needs are not being met.
Start with Small Changes
You don’t have to abandon all of your old habits overnight. Instead, start by honoring your own preferences in small ways. You could commit to offering one or two comments at work meetings, disagreeing with someone whom you often agree with to keep the peace, or recommending an activity for your friend group if you typically let someone else make plans. Even sending back your food at a restaurant if you received the wrong order can feel like a step in the right direction!
Commit to Reasonable Boundaries
Boundaries are standards for your own behavior. You may need to set boundaries around your scheduling commitments, the workload you’re willing to take on, or what you’ll accept in friendships or family relationships.
Remember, boundaries are ultimately about what you will and will not do. Setting a boundary does not mean you can force someone else to change their behavior. Additionally, you can only uphold boundaries if you’re willing to walk away from a relationship in which you’re being mistreated. When you establish a boundary, make sure that it’s one you’re capable of following through on. Otherwise, people will not take your boundaries seriously.
Make Value-Based Decisions
Getting clear on your values can help you determine when you need to set a hard boundary, or compromise with a flexible boundary. For example, maybe you love volunteering. But you’ve said “yes” to too many responsibilities. If you have the time, you could keep a select few commitments. Then, turn down new commitments for the foreseeable future. But what if your schedule is completely unmanageable? You might have to pause volunteering entirely for a while and set a hard boundary to free up some space in your life.
Consider the Roots of People-Pleasing Behavior
Perhaps you’ve tried to stop people-pleasing. Yet you find that attempting to advocate for yourself makes you feel exceptionally anxious, depressed, ashamed, or guilty. It may be time to work with a therapist to see if your people-pleasing tendencies are rooted in past trauma or neglect. You may have been raised in an environment where your opinions and needs were not valued, and people-pleasing served as a defense mechanism against abuse or harm. If this is the case, therapy might be necessary to overcome these behaviors.
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Are you struggling to let go of people-pleasing habits? A therapist can help you honor your own needs. Call our office or fill out our contact form to book your first appointment for anxiety counseling.