Maybe you’ve gotten into the habit of “faking it” when you’re in the bedroom with your partner. At first, you might have assumed this was a harmless white lie. You didn’t want to disappoint your partner or ruin the mood. It seemed easier to pretend that you were enjoying yourself in the moment. But over time, you’ve continued to fake it rather than tell your partner how you’re really feeling. Now, part of you wants to confess, yet another part of you is worried about how your partner react if you tell the truth.
Faking it in a relationship can seem like an easy solution to papering over incompatibilities in the bedroom. Yet in the long run, it can leave you both unsatisfied and drive a wedge between you and your partner. Here’s why faking it can hurt your relationship.
Protecting Your Partner’s Emotions
Sometimes, it can feel like faking it is the best way to protect your partner’s emotions in an intimate situation. In the heat of the moment, you don’t want to let them down. However, this is only a short-term fix. In order to build an intimate connection that makes you both feel truly satisfied, you need to be willing to have tough conversations. It can feel a little awkward to tell a new partner what you like, and what you don’t. But if you can navigate these conversations and give each other grace, you will ultimately strengthen your bond.
Eroding Trust
Faking it may not seem like a violation of trust on the surface. Yet it is a lie, and lying to your partner does not build a foundation for a fulfilling long-term relationship. Each time you repeat the same fib to your partner, you’ll feel guilty. Over time, faking it will erode the trust between you and your partner. Eventually, you’ll want to tell them that you’ve been faking it, and it will likely take time to re-establish trust between you.
Upholding Unrealistic Expectations
Perhaps you’ve been faking it because you and your partner have been taught that sex without a climax isn’t worth it, or that you should have an undeniable spark right away. But that’s not how every relationship works. It can take time and effort to improve your sex life, and open, authentic communication is just part of that.
Fearing the End of Your Relationship
Maybe faking it is just part of an ongoing pattern in your relationship where you hide your dissatisfaction to keep from upsetting your partner. But if you’re constantly shrinking in your relationship out of fear of offending your partner, it’s a sign that you’re in the wrong relationship. If you always feel like you need to fake it, this may be an indicator of a bigger incompatibility. Depending on how you feel about other areas of your relationship, you and your partner may need to consider going your separate ways.
Breaking the Pattern
If you’ve been faking it for a while, but you’re otherwise happy in your relationship, it’s time to break the pattern. Telling your partner the truth is your first step. They may understand your reasoning, or they might react with strong emotions. No matter their response, be patient and allow them to express their emotions. You may want to think about working with a couples counselor if you’re nervous about moving forward with these conversations. A counselor can give you valuable guidance for fostering a stronger, healthier connection in the bedroom.
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If you’ve been “faking it” in an effort to protect your partner’s feelings, reach out to us to explore how couples therapy can help you prioritize honesty instead.