Marcelle Maginnis
As the holidays approach, couples are gearing up for extended visits with their in- laws—an experience that may leave some feeling stressed and anxious. According to Dr. John Gottman, “Every marriage is a cross-cultural experience regardless of whether people are from different or the same culture.” The holidays, with their unique family traditions and expectations, often amplify the challenges of blending different backgrounds, whether it’s differing political views, unfamiliar customs, or simply the dynamics of a new family environment.
Here are three suggestions to help you navigate the holiday season confidently.
1. Anticipate differences—and set expectations accordingly
Our holidays are often shaped by years of family traditions and expectations—and you already know that the traditions and expectations surrounding your partner’s family are different than your own. Recognize that you will be engaging with people who likely have different values, reactions, expectations, and behaviors. Instead of feeling overwhelmed or unsure as you interact with your in-laws, foster a sense of curiosity. By embracing the opportunity to learn more about your partner’s family and their unique traditions, you can reduce the stress of unfamiliar holiday practices, small talk, and even gift-giving—all while getting to know your own partner a little bit better.
At the same time, be mindful of your own emotions. Acknowledge what you might find upsetting or stressful, and proactively manage your stress levels in the ways that work best for you, whether that’s movement, nutrition, prioritizing sleep, or getting in touch with your own friends or family for support.
2. Prioritize communication
Navigating the holiday rush requires open, supportive communication between you and your partner. Talk with your partner about the holiday events, experiences, or traditions you may be worried about, and share clear boundaries around what you are (and aren’t) willing to do or engage in during family gatherings. This might include preparing some polite phrases to shut down sensitive or confrontational topics, or even developing a discreet exit plan with your partner if family dynamics are unhealthy or harmful.
By prioritizing these conversations early, you and your partner can present a united front when and if tensions arise. Be prepared to let your partner advocate for you, as they are most familiar with how to navigate challenging situations with their family. Most importantly, express gratitude frequently and sincerely. The holidays can feel like a stress test for any relationship, and regularly demonstrating your appreciation for your partner can go a long way to ensuring you both feel supported and connected.
3. Foster sincere connection with your in-laws
Don’t take a back-seat approach with your in-laws and simply “show up” to holiday gatherings, leaving your partner to take on the majority of social initiative. Actively support your partner and get to know their family, such as by breaking out of your comfort zone to try out—or even suggest—a new family activity or bond over traditions that might be unfamiliar to you. During more challenging encounters, this approach may include focusing on what is going right and embracing someone’s good faith effort to engage with you, even if conversation feels awkward or forced. Commit to exploring new ways to connect with your in-laws, try to be flexible, and recognize that your in-laws shaped the person you love.