Perhaps you and your ex have gone your separate ways. Whether you are officially divorced or separated, figuring out how to parent your children after splitting up can be the toughest aspect of this transition. Maybe you have tried to stick to an amicable co-parenting arrangement. After all, this seems like the best way to approach parenting post-divorce. But it’s not easy to communicate frequently with your ex and navigate major parenting decisions together when it feels like conflict is always brewing.
You want to find a better way forward for your children’s sake. Yet you feel lost when co-parenting is so highly recommended. Here’s how to experiment with parallel parenting to share duties with your ex in a high-conflict situation.
Explore Parallel Parenting
What does parallel parenting really mean? When you are co-parenting, you and your ex are actively engaged in implementing the same parenting style and making big decisions together, even though you live in different households. But when you’re parallel parenting, you run your household one way and stick with a consistent parenting style that works for you. Your ex does the same.
Unless you’re making a big decision about your child’s education or healthcare needs, you do not need to communicate frequently. It can be tough to give up a certain level of control. But having consistency within each household can actually help you child enjoy a sense of stability.
Delegate Specific Responsibilities
To begin parallel parenting, you do need to talk to your ex about which specific responsibilities and tasks each one of you will handle. Once these decisions have been made, do your best to stick to them. This will minimize the amount of time you need to spend communicating and risking arguments.
You’ll need to designate which one of you will handle certain holidays, pick-ups and drop-offs for school days and activities, and other important tasks. Try to split responsibilities evenly to keep the arrangement as fair as possible.
Clear Communication
You know that avoiding extensive conversations with your ex can help you dodge unnecessary arguments and keep the peace. But there are still plenty of times when you need to coordinate with them in order to care for your children. Using a communication platform expressly designed for parallel parenting arrangements is key.
This will let you handle tasks like budgeting and creating schedules with a centralized platform. You can save and review all of your communications if necessary. In some cases, judges will even recommend or require that you use a platform like this.
Exercise Restraint
It’s not easy to relinquish some of the control over your child’s day-to-day activities that come with parallel parenting. This does not mean you’re “controlling.” Any parent with their child’s best interests in mind would feel the same.
But for parallel parenting to work, you need to exercise restraint when it comes to interacting with your ex, commenting on their parenting style, or trying to push any changes on them. They should grant you the same respect.
When Should You Seek Help?
What if you’re concerned about your child’s safety when they’re with your ex, or they have repeatedly tried to violate your existing custody arrangements? If you suspect that your child is being abused or neglected, or your ex is not cooperating with the legal terms of your arrangement, you will need to seek further legal counsel. In situations like this, you have every right to take action.
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Are you and your ex struggling to co-parent? Working with a therapist can help. Reach out to us to discuss your options for scheduling your first session for parent therapy or women’s counseling.