In a healthy relationship, both people care about and rely on each other. However, they also have their own independent lives and interests. This applies to healthy relationships with families, romantic partnerships, and even connections between friends. But some relationships blur these boundaries. Enmeshment is a common issue, particularly in family relationships.
Many people struggle with enmeshment in their relationships. While they might feel like something is wrong, they don’t necessarily understand this concept, or why it can be harmful to both parties in the relationship. Let’s explore what enmeshment really means, as well as a few warning signs that you’re dealing with enmeshment in a familial relationship.
Lack of Privacy
In an enmeshed relationship, neither person has much privacy. For instance, within a family, a parent might expect their child to tell them everything. They may not have much personal space at home. If they choose not to share certain things with their parent, the parent might become deeply offended.
This dynamic can continue well into adulthood. A parent might feel like they are entitled to know practically everything about their child’s life, even if they are moved out and married with children of their own. But at the same, trying to separate your lives can be painful, simply because you’re used to the situation.
Unrealistic Expectations on Children
If you’re dealing with enmeshment, you might feel like your family has always placed unrealistic expectations on you. It can seem like no matter what you do, it will never be good enough for them. These expectations might relate more to your treatment of your family rather than your performance at school, your career, or other areas of your life.
You may try your best to be kind and supportive. But regardless of how hard you try, it feels like you never measure up.
Fear of Conflict
People who are stuck in enmeshed relationships often fear conflict. They have not been able to set boundaries with their family members. They are used to having their needs ignored. In the end, they can push their own needs to the back burner and feel like they have to bend over backward for others.
They might struggle to stand up for themselves when they have disagreements with their friends and romantic partners, because trying to stand up for yourself in an enmeshed relationship can easily backfire.
Low Self-Esteem
Enmeshed relationships can lead to low self-esteem. You might be unhappy with how much space this relationship takes up in your life, and how your parent or other family members have treated you. Yet you may feel like you’ve lost yourself.
Part of you longs for independence and agency. But at the same time, you don’t trust yourself to build a life on your own terms, because you’re so used to living by someone else’s standards. You may not really trust yourself to make your own decisions.
Lack of Personal Identity
Overall, enmeshment can leave you with a foggy sense of your personal identity. You’ve spent so much of your life in an enmeshed relationship, or an entire family unit that is dealing with enmeshment, that sometimes you feel like you don’t know anything concrete about yourself.
You don’t know who you are outside of the context of this relationship. Overall, you only know yourself in relation to enmeshment. You may want to build your own identity. Yet you don’t even know where to begin.
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Are you concerned that you’re in an enmeshed relationship? Working with a therapist can help. Reach out to us to discuss your options for scheduling your first session for women's counseling