Handling conflict is never easy. But when we respond to disagreements in unhelpful ways, we can unintentionally make it harder to find solutions. However, many of us don’t know how to manage conflicts while staying grounded. You might be tempted to ignore the other person’s needs and shift the blame to them. You may fall into people-pleasing tendencies to smooth things over quickly while pushing your own needs to the backburner.
Alternatively, you may try to walk away from conflicts altogether, without even trying to communicate with the other person. Let’s explore a few unhelpful approaches to conflict, as well as different ways to tackle tough conversations and achieve better outcomes.
Being Defensive
If someone tells you that they’re upset, and you’re potentially responsible for the circumstances, getting on the defensive might be your first reaction. But acting defensive cuts off an opportunity for an honest, vulnerable conversation.
Rather than denying that you might have done anything wrong, take a deep breath and acknowledge you may have made a mistake. When you’re willing to accept responsibility, you demonstrate that you’re listening, and you’re open to apologizing.
Blaming Others
No one wants to feel like they’re in the wrong. In fact, if someone hurts another person, or does something that leads to negative consequences, their first instinct is often to look for someone else to blame.
The next time someone approaches you because you’ve done something to hurt them, avoid the urge to point your finger at someone else. Don't tell the other person they’re to blame because they’re being too sensitive. Trying to pin the problem on someone else will not solve it.
Refusing to Compromise
Perhaps you’re in a situation where neither person is fully wrong or right. Yet you both disagree about the outcomes you want from a particular situation. You might want to avoid giving them any concessions, viewing compromise as a “loss” for you.
Sometimes, a refusal to compromise can also mean ignoring all of your own desires and trying to give the other person everything they want in an effort to “end” the conflict quickly. But this only leads to resentment in the long run. Instead, make space for compromise, and discuss where you might be able to find a middle ground.
Anger and Shouting
You may have grown up in a household where it was normal to deal with conflicts by getting angry and yelling at the other person, or trying to hurt their feelings with insults. Many people do not see healthy examples of conflict resolution in their families. They give in to this same anger when faced with conflict as adults.
You may be surprised by how staying calm and using a normal speaking voice during conflicts can change the way you relate to the other person. When you do not react with anger, you create a safer environment for authentic conversations.
Stonewalling or the Silent Treatment
It can be tempting to give someone the silent treatment rather than deal with a conflict or disagreement. You might feel like you’re too angry to engage in a heated conversation, or you don’t want to acknowledge the problem at all. Stonewalling someone can feel like an easy way to make the problem just disappear. But it can also permanently ruin relationships.
Instead, try letting the person know that you’d be open to talking soon, even if you’re upset in the moment, or go for a walk to calm down before starting the conversation.
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You can learn healthier strategies for handling conflicts through individual or couples counseling. Our team is here to help—contact our practice today to book your first session or schedule a free consultation.