As a parent, you hope that your child develops a healthy perspective on failure. You probably want them to view failure as a learning opportunity and a chance to grow. Naturally, you likely don’t want your child to avoid pursuing certain activities or hobbies simply because they’re scared of failure.
However, some parents accidentally do instill a fear of failure in their children. There is a difference between encouraging your children to do their best and teaching them that they should fear failure. The latter can be damaging in the long run.
Here are a few signs that your actions might have caused your children to develop an unhealthy fear of failure.
Your Reaction to Mistakes
No matter how old you are, we all make mistakes each day. Nobody is perfect! Of course, children make mistakes and have misunderstandings constantly. They don’t know much about the world yet, and they rely on the adults around them to teach them.
But if you react harshly when they make mistakes, they can easily become scared of failure. Children, and adults, will fail at things frequently — yet if children face derision for their innocent mistakes, they will become afraid of trying new things at all.
Punishing Failure
Discipline is part of being a parent. Sometimes, the line between disciplining your child fairly and punishing them unnecessarily for failing can become blurry. For example, if your child is struggling with their grades, you might find it necessary to limit their screen time.
But it’s also important to focus on where you child can improve, rather than simply disciplining them. This could mean helping them get a tutor. Often, the difference between discipline and punishment comes down to turning failure into an opportunity for improvement.
Discussing Consequences
As an adult, you know that actions have consequences and you want to teach your children to make choices in a way that will allow them to avoid negative consequences. But sometimes, discussing consequences can scare your children off from even trying certain things.
Furthermore, they can get the idea that there is only one way to succeed and be happy in life, and if they do not achieve certain things, they will simply never be fulfilled. Be mindful of the way you discuss concepts like consequences and regret.
Being Pushy vs. Gentle Encouragement
Sometimes, kids can become scared of failure because they feel like they’re being pushed to succeed at a certain hobby or activity. And if they can’t do it well enough, you’ll be upset with them. They may worry that if they don’t like certain activities that you do, or if they can’t succeed at things you enjoy, that they will disappoint you.
Make sure that you’re not pushy about encouraging your children to try different things. Let them explore their own interests.
Learning from Failure
Overall, framing failure as a learning opportunity, rather than a crisis, can be a very healthy way to teach your children about failure. If they fear that they will be punished for failing at something, they may never try to go outside of their comfort zones.
Furthermore, if they believe that failing means they can’t succeed in the future, failure can become deeply distressing rather than a temporary inconvenience. You may want to talk to your children about the times that you’ve failed in the past, what you learned from these experiences, and how you picked yourself back up again.
—
Are you worried that your children are developing a fear of failure? Working with a therapist can help. Reach out to us today to discuss your options for scheduling your first session for parenting counseling.